*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

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Her: Prove that you care about me

Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers


How’s everyone holding up ? It’s crazy out there. I’ve killed at least 15 zombies already !! Why are they all carrying candy ?


The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.


me : * dont let them know how awkward you are *

them : nice weather

me : thanks


There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.


If there isn’t a Witches Coven named “Wiccan Awesome” located in the Boston area, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.


5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’


[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”


Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.


Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.