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@iwearaonesie: *hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
@AnkCoupleTO: 1st Anniversary: Let's go to Vegas
5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner
10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun
@BooFricketyHoo: Next update: Twitter will tell you what the retweeter is feeling as they retweet your retweet. And what they had for breakfast.
Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I'm not wearing your shirt
@bonehugsnirony: interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
@Michael1979: OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.