@iwearaonesie

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

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@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: Prove that you care about me

Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers

@Steve_hamiltin

How’s everyone holding up ? It’s crazy out there. I’ve killed at least 15 zombies already !! Why are they all carrying candy ?

@SexytotheNorth

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

@hergorgeousmess

me : * dont let them know how awkward you are *

them : nice weather

me : thanks

@Jmboyd58

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

@drinksmcgee

If there isn’t a Witches Coven named “Wiccan Awesome” located in the Boston area, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

@bourgeoisalien

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

@Rollinintheseat

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

@leshnevsky

Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.

@TeaPartyCat

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.