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@iwearaonesie: *hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
@jergarl: Me: I love you with my hole heart.
Wife: Wrong hole.
@DanMentos: [confession booth]
priest: I'm not falling for that one again dan
@iinkedZombie: Old friend: I barely recognize you.
"That's the look I was going for. "
@Tmoney68: Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
@NightValeRadio: Listen to your inner child. It's the one that whisper-sings nursery rhymes when you feel alone in a dark hallway.