*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
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The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.