*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
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My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
jesus, what did this guy do
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.