@ArrogantBB8

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

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@marnipanas

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

@AristotlesNZ

Tech support guy asked me to rank my issue as normal, urgent, or extremely urgent. I did a 6min long scream into the phone & let him decide.

@ChiefTwittler

Probing: Aliens have had plenty of time to figure out our biology -now they’re just having fun.

@TheOnion

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

@Curly_gurl135

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

@ieatanddrink

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane