Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Bike is short for Bichael.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I don’t make the rules sorry