HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

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“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”


WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try


Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend


Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”


WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?


Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”


[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station


Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap