“Was he better than me?”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
“Mary, what the hell?”
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
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Recently had a cat-scan.
They didn’t find any cats.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap