HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
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broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.