i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
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You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Looking at you, Jesus.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.