Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
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2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
*throwing my hands up*
well, those tasted terrible.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn’t want to mess up my phone.
Hahaha stupid person… When it says 55mph it really means 64mph………Idiot turtle person
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Me: Oh ya you like that?
Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt