Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
S M O L
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe