HR said it’s not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
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Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard…..
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn’t finished
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Today’s workout. Light weights. 1 hour parkouring rooftops on my block. It’s surprising how many people have skylights in their bathrooms.
when doctors deliver a particularly big baby they should take a pic with it like it’s a fish
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*