Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

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Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.


Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.


If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG


Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.


*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?


I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.


If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.


DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?


“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”