@TheTweetOfGod

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

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@dumbbeezie

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

@simoncholland

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

@jwoodham

Sorry I didn’t text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn’t want to mess up my phone.

@GirlRestrained

Hahaha stupid person… When it says 55mph it really means 64mph………Idiot turtle person

@KentWGraham

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

@causticbob

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

@rockymomax

[having sex]
Me: Oh ya you like that?
Her: Deeper!
Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?

@isabelzawtun

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

@duumb

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt