@TheTweetOfGod

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

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@Mr_Kapowski

HR said it’s not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness

@SassyTxGirl83

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard…..

Pillow fight

@randomlawless

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

@megfraser

HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn’t finished

@longwall26

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

@JimmerThatisAll

Today’s workout. Light weights. 1 hour parkouring rooftops on my block. It’s surprising how many people have skylights in their bathrooms.

@sweatyhairy

when doctors deliver a particularly big baby they should take a pic with it like it’s a fish

@Reverend_Scott

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

@garrydavenport

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

@Lisabug74

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.