still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
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This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!