[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
You Might Also Like
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history