[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
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In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
when revenge coincides with naptime
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
nobody:
ppl with clear cases: