*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
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Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Accurate
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I love it all
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.