*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
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My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Just had my nails done!
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
#Caturday
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets