When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie