@Playing_Dad

[Heaven]
Me: Can I come in?
St Peter: *shakes head no*
Me: Was it close?
St Peter: *rolls out my lifetime internet history* Not really

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@Smooheed

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

@skylerhanrath

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

@Book_Krazy

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

@MandiAtRandom

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

@Lhlodder

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

@MegsHAUSTED

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

@GrantTanaka

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

@robfee

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

@squirrel74wkgn

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.