{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
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the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor