[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
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If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
🤔😂😂
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!