Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
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There is wisdom there.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school