Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

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1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party

My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.


[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.


9: do they drink beer in heaven?

Me: I kinda doubt it…

9: does somebody check for it at the gate?

Me: …


[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt


Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.


I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.


Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”


My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.