Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
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The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me