Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
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[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder