Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
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ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.