@EndhooS

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

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@pahtch

all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.

@sammyrhodes

S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.

@_little_old_me

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

@HousewifeOfHell

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

@pilau

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

@DaddyJew

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

@milkinhisbag

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me