Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
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I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers