[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
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Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
paddle faster i hear baby shark
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Why are bridges so flammable.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.