SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
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If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Anyway here’s Wonderwall
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom
Just used the “f word” over on FB so I’m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.