@psybermonkey

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

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@KylePlantEmoji

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

@momtransparent1

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

@KalvinMacleod

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

@sonictyrant

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

@Ideal_Victoria

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

@sammylynn_

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

@MrPhetz

A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom

@bluebayoubyyou

Just used the “f word” over on FB so I’m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.