Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

You Might Also Like


If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs


If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.


I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*


Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?


“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.


We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol


A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom


Just used the “f word” over on FB so I’m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.