Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.