*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

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Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.


“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower


I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them


I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *


Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”


Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.


Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?


When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.