Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.