Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
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*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit