Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
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I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
What the hell is going on?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Baller is short for ballerina
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
May have had one breakfast too many
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.