Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

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I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes


Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week


GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.



I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…


I look suspicious doing anything. You could walk in on me heating up a hot pocket and my face could look like I just murdered my family.


[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex


-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.


My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick…. Especially since his name is Steve


At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017