@FatherWithTwins

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

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@CaptOblivious1

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

@Smooheed

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

@dave_cactus

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

@honeybadgerMel

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

@ScarletStoner

I look suspicious doing anything. You could walk in on me heating up a hot pocket and my face could look like I just murdered my family.

@KeetPotato

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

@Darlainky

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

@o__0Dev

My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick…. Especially since his name is Steve

@Michael1979

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017