Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
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*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
real
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.