This pepper has seen some shit
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Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.