Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

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*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”


what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business


I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.


[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up


WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break


Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!


About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds


Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day