@KBChicken75

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

You Might Also Like

@SeiYoung83

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

@goldengateblond

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

@tnylgn

I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.

@DrakeGatsby

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

@dafloydsta

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

@CulturedRuffian

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

@Slade

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

@karencheee

Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day