Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
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tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
just got my engagement photos
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.