My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
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[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Pretty much. 🤣
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…