Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

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Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!


ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet


It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.


Found my 16yr old daughters Twitter today, made her deactivate it…after I copied all of her best material to my draft folder of course


DR: i’m afraid you’re sterile
ME: yeah i just washed my hands
DR: no…you can’t have kids
ME: right. men can’t get pregnant
DR: you’ll never be able to pass down your genes
ME: that’s okay. when i finally have a son i’ll just buy him his own pair


The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying


If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”


A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.