Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
You Might Also Like
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If only
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…