Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
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[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman