Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
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Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Stonehinge
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no