Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
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dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Meme Monday.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I’m literally crying
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician