Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
This could be us but you eatin’
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going