Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
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oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Cannot stop laughing at this
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Seek kebab; not attention
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs: