Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
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Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Person who doesn’t know I’m on twitter: Have you see
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works