@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

You Might Also Like

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

@RdrJay47

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

@SteveKoehler22

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

@MomOnFire

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

@behindyourback

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

@EmSlyce

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works