Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

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Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately


Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?


The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.


I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.


Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue


Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved


When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.


[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday


Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works