Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
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At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Meeeee too!
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband