Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
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Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats