Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
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He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script