Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
You Might Also Like
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
it’s finally my moment to shine
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.