@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

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@FredTaming

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

@NewDadNotes

Horse: [slides $20 across the table] I need you to take out the Unicorn.

God: [pocketing money] why?

Horse: because he deserves it.

[later at dinner]

Unicorn: well this is nice.

God: [passing breadsticks] i’m told you deserve it.

@Gooooats

Avenge me! But only through passive aggressively commenting loudly around my murderer how great it would be to still have me alive.

@markhoppus

MY WIFE HAS, AFTER A 14 MONTH LONG IN-DEPTH INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT I TOOK THE LAST LA CROIX FROM THE REFRIGERATOR THAT SHE WAS SAVING FOR AFTER HER WORKOUT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CLEARLY LABELED “MARK DON’T DRINK THIS YOU IDIOT.”

@notalogin

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

@thepunningman

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

@Freak0nIine

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

@ashleyaustrew

I’m on the snake diet. It’s the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.