Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
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I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
i think both sides are to blame here
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Only a mother’s love …
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
wish me luck lads
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks