If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
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WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
broke down and did it
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.