Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
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To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.