Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
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My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.