Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
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set yourself free xox
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.