Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
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Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I think this cat is broken
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife