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@bombsydoll

Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense

Solution: kids

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

@funflaps

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

@td_ward

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

@jonnysun

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

@FuckabillyRex

Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.

@JenAshleyWright

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

@JessicaVarsity

I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert…or need to set someone’s house on fire. Either way, I’m prepared.