the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
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HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt