Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

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He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.



[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager


Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested.

Put her head right through the drywall.

Goddam cheap motels.


Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…


If Kevin Bacon never said “want some bacon with your eggs” to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn’t make sense anymore.


Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can’t fire you if they can’t find you.


I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.


Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them


[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?


[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo