Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
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Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad