@Whatevah_Amy

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

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@_davidlucas_

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

@Ygrene

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

@VanVeenB

Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested.

Put her head right through the drywall.

Goddam cheap motels.

@thepaulahunt

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

@SSDated

If Kevin Bacon never said “want some bacon with your eggs” to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn’t make sense anymore.

@K_blue

Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can’t fire you if they can’t find you.

@causticbob

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

@BoogTweets

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

@JasonNotEvil

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

@Gre_Gone

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo